Gratitude that Doesn’t Gaslight You

A more honest approach to giving thanks when life is still hard

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I tried gratitude journals. It seemed like the thing to do. To write down a few things each day, breathe into the good, shift my mindset, attract more abundance. In theory, I was here for it. I’ve always believed in the power of mindfulness and appreciation.

But, over time, something felt off. Almost like I was trying to convince myself.

“See? I’m grateful for what I have.”

But underneath that, I was exhausted. Carrying so much. No amount of “thank you” could change the fact that life still felt unreasonably hard.

And if you’re a woman of color, someone who’s spent their whole lives to stay humble, be strong, and not complain, you know exactly what I mean.

We’re often told to be grateful instead of being honest. To look on the bright side instead of naming the burnout. To hold it all together with grace, even as the weight keeps stacking up.

But real gratitude? It’s not a mask. It’s a practice of presence and that presence, means being with what’s real.

When Gratitude Starts to Feel Like Pressure

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay grounded in what’s good. But for many of us, it seems like gratitude was taught as a way to shrink. We’re reminded to be thankful you have a job. Be thankful you got the opportunity. Be thankful you were chosen.

While it’s not always said to us directly, the message is clear: You don’t get to want more. You don’t get to say it’s not enough. You don’t get to name what hurts. So what do we do? We smile. We nod. We say our thanks. All the while, inside, we start to disconnect from what’s true.

But the truth doesn’t go anywhere. It just gets quieter, and the longer we silence it, the more distant we feel from ourselves.

Gratitude isn’t supposed to make you disappear. 

Gratitude isn’t supposed to cost you your honesty. It’s not here to silence the grief, the frustration, the longing for something more, or make you feel guilty for not having it in the moment.

There’s Room for Both

A grounded gratitude practice doesn’t ask you to choose between what’s beautiful and what’s breaking. It allows both. You can feel thankful and still acknowledge the pain that’s present. You can honor what’s working without minimizing what isn’t. 

This is what integration looks like. This is what healing makes room for. This is why, in therapy, we play close attention to the tension between conflicting truths. We work with the nervous system to widen its window of tolerance. To help you hold both joy and grief, light and shadow. You don't have to fix the hard parts to be thankful. You don’t have to pretend to be fine in order to appreciate what’s good.

If You’re Not Feeling Grateful Right Now…

That’s okay. That’s honest. There are seasons when you’re just trying to get through. When you’re doing your best to stay afloat, and the last thing you need is to pressure yourself into feeling thankful.

In those moments, I invite you to look for what’s steadying you. What softened you today? What helped you remember yourself, even a little? What gave you permission to exhale? This isn’t about rewriting the story to make it prettier. It’s about locating the anchors when you’re feeling adrift.

A Grounding Practice

If you've felt distant from your gratitude practice, or never had that felt quite right, here’s something to try:

Name 3 truths: 

• What’s feeling heavy

• What’s quietly sustaining you

• What you want to give yourself permission to release

Let it be imperfect. Let it be small. Let it sound like you. This is a living practice. One that meets you where you are. One that doesn’t require you to smile through the pain or ignore what’s coming up for you. 

Gratitude isn’t supposed to make you disappear. 

Gratitude isn’t supposed to cost you your honesty. It’s not here to silence the grief, the frustration, the longing for something more, or make you feel guilty for not having it in the moment. It’s here to remind you that even now, in the midst of all of it, you are still connected. Still breathing. Still allowed to feel it all.

Because gratitude that honors your wholeness will never ask you to disappear, it will show you to be grateful of your truth and the courage that comes with it.